Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
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Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.