Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
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Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
#DesignFail
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we