“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
You Might Also Like
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I just tested negative for patience.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”