Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
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My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
estão todos miauvindo?
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount