Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Me My dog
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.