Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
You Might Also Like
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.