[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
next level snooze
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”