All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
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Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.