In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
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Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Chemical wingman
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate