Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
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im all 3
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos