It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
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Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Sorry. Not sorry
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.