Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
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I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless