“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
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Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*pronounces surface like Versace*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Damn what did I do next
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.