Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
You Might Also Like
Can’t, holding a grudge
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
The smoothest fall of all time
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!