Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.