Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
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The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Unimpressed
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.