wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
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*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Alexa; make it look like an accident
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Here’s a meme
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.