Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
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*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.