I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
LMAO
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.