*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
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Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever