I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.