*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
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companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”