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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
File under excellent bookstore names.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.