The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.