{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Same pineapple, same
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.