As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.