My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
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[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.