Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.