My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
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She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
calling in to work dehydrated
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?