[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.