People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
You Might Also Like
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Maths meets science
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.