Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Finally!