[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.