horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You Might Also Like
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi