[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
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“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I think I’ll stand
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis