Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
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Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account