Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
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I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
excuse me
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care