choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Oh boy, $150,000!
This meal prepping shit easy
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car