Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
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Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Only a mother’s love …
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
he’s doing your taxes
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine