The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
You Might Also Like
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
What flavor cupcake are these
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.