This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
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I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
A customer told me they were never coming back….
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.