[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions