Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!