I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
#DesignFail
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.