wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
You Might Also Like
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
this is the best interaction on twitter
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.