Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
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What’s a Messi?
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?