People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Fries, not lies.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.