I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
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Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate