“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
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I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Going into Monday like
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”