This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
When someone trying to leave me
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?